We Were So Close When We Got Married: We Did Everything Together—Cuddled Up in Bed, Watched TV, Took…

You know, when we first got married, we were ridiculously close. We did absolutely everything together. Wed fall asleep cuddled up, watch telly in bed, go for Sunday walks, and laugh at the most daft things. We were always physically closenot always planned, usually just off the cuff. I honestly felt adored, wantedlike I was his chosen one.

As the years went by, we stayed close, but it wasnt the same. Those long, lingering kisses just faded away to quick pecks in passing. The stroking, the affectionate touches, they all just became routinebarely there. Wed go to bed early, completely knackered, and hed just roll over. At first, Id scoot closer, touch his arm or back, reach for his hand. Hed say he was tired, that maybe tomorrow, that it wasnt the right moment. I tried to understand.

But time went on and nothing changed. Wed still have dinner together, chat about our days, share the bedbut that was it. I started to lie there, absolutely still, hoping hed be the one to make a move. But he never did. At first it hurt. Then, I started to feel embarrassed for hoping, for wanting. I started thinking it was methat I was overthinking.

Our daily life together was comfortable, but totally neutral. Wed wake up together, drink coffee, go to family events side by side. Hed tell me his news, Id tell him mine. But in bed, it was just back to back. Id change quickly now, not caring if he saw me, stopped bothering with nice pyjamas. I stopped seeing my body as something someone might want.

I tried to talk to him about itmore than once, actually. I asked if he didnt fancy me anymore. He told me that wasnt it, just that he didnt feel like it these days. Apparently thats what happens with age, he said. Love becomes more about companionship and respect. I nodded, but inside, there was this emptiness, like something really important was missing, but I didnt know how to explain it without feeling guilty.

Eventually, I just came to see it all as normal. Id tell myselfwell, some couples live like this. If there arent any arguments, that must mean everythings fine, right? I got used to only being hugged in public, never touched in private. I taught myself not to expect anything, not to want it, to erase that part of myself so I wouldnt feel rejected.

The years ticked by, and we continued to be really close. Always together, always polite. No one would ever have guessed we hadnt been intimate for over fifteen years. To be honest, I didnt even remember what it felt like to be a woman beside someone. Id become more of a habit, a support, just someone there. But not anyones desire.

The day he told me he was leaving for another woman, I felt absolutely nothing at first. He said that with her, he felt alive, wanted, connected. I didnt shout. I didnt argue. He just said it, just like that. It suddenly hit mehe hadnt stopped feeling, hed just stopped feeling that way about me.

Looking back now, the most painful bit wasnt that he left. It was that, bit by bit, Id learned to live next to someone who didnt see me as a woman anymoreand convinced me that was perfectly normal.