Asked My Mother-in-Law to Leave the House

I still recall the day my motherinlaw, Victoria OLeary, confronted my daughterinlaw, Lucy, over her plans. Emily, she had begun, all the young women from our town aim for London to gain a degree, and you? The matriarchs lecturing made Lucy smile wryly; she knew Emily was stubborn and could not be swayed. It mattered little to argue.

What can I say? Victoria asked, desperate to make a point. That she should be dragged against her will to a strange, unfamiliar city simply because her grandmother craves a prestigious qualification? That is her life, not yours, nor mine, to decide where she studies or whether she studies at all, I replied. What do you mean whether at all? Emma, might I have a word?

Every person holds their own notion of what it means to make something of oneself. Some measure success by the number of children, others by the size of their bank account, while some care not for material things, believing life is only fulfilled by bearing offspringpreferably more than one. There is nothing wrong with differing ideas of happiness, so long as no one forces their vision on another and demands they reshape themselves to fit it. When that happens, the situation truly turns sour.

Victoria was obsessed with higher education, insisting it be from a renowned university, not a runofthemill college. She had no quarrel with me, for my future daughterinlaw, before she turned twentyfive, lived with her father in London and had earned a scholarship at Oxford. No complaints could be raised, and I noted her fixation on the degree from the first meeting, but it seemed a harmless eccentricity.

Some people sew plush toys, others tend their gardens, while a few love to extol the virtues of a university education. Everything changed when my grandchildren grew up. The elder, Alex, rolled her eyes at Grandmothers speeches, dismissing them as teenage chatter. The real storm broke when Alex, after completing Year Nine, enrolled in the county medical college, finished a few short courses there, and immediately took a job in the beauty industry.

That was the first serious clash between me and Victoria. What do you mean she refuses education? A degree is always useful; it proves competence and intellect, Victoria snapped. And what good has your own degree done you? Remind me, are you a merchant by training? She mocked my modest talents, even my shoe choices, and called me constantly.

Peter, my son, defended his wife and daughter, arguing from his perspective. Alex barely passed two subjects after three attempts. What higher education could she possibly handle? It would be cruel to force someone who isnt up to the rigour. She wont get a place at a top university on a grant, and we cant afford a paid spotour budget isnt endless. He added, Besides, well send Emma to university next year, and Buster to school. Why should we spend money on a prestige degree for Alex when shes happy doing brows and lips for ladies in the salon?

He continued, She earns decent money, mum, so youre wrong. Times have moved on; a degree is no longer the only path. Whether Peters stance swayed Victoria or simply convinced her that a university degree would be a heavy burden for Alex, the topic ceased to surface.

That peace lasted until Lucy, fresh from school, announced she would study parttime at a local institute just a stones throw from homecertainly not Oxford. Whats the point of moving to the capital? I visited a few times and learned I dont want to live there. We have everything we need in the county town; the only thing about the city is its smog. She declared she might later work remotely and perhaps settle in a small market town.

Victorias composure cracked. Polly, you must influence her. If we keep letting them do as they please, no one of worth will remain in this family. She complained that the elder daughter was as useless as a cork, and that Lucy even shunned her.

Before Lucy could muster a retort, Alex spoke up. So thats the opinion you have of me, Grandmother? You call me a corkwhy do you keep calling me that whenever you need cleaning or groceries? She asked how Victoria could tolerate such a daughter and how humiliating it was to accept money and items she gave.

What items? I asked, puzzled. I had never meddled in Alexs finances, yet she mentioned occasional giftsa kettle here, a microwave there. Its not much, but shes on a pension; I dont mind helping, Victoria replied, realizing she was assisting someone who barely considered her a granddaughter.

Alex shot back, Your higher education means nothing, Grandmother. Run to the shop for groceries, thats all. The exchange escalated, and I demanded that Victoria leave our home and never return.

Peter, learning of his mothers outburst, sided fully with his wife and cut off contact with his own mother. He said one thing is an obsessive fixation, another is insulting ones own grandchildren because of it. Victoria made several attempts at reconciliation, but eventually gave up. Alex and Lucy no longer answer her calls, nor do I. Peter and his brother Boris still meet her on neutral ground, yet they have said nothing about future university plans for their son.

Perhaps, in time, the old woman will learn from her mistakes. Having lost two grandchildren, she may yet preserve a relationship with the third child of her son. Only time will tell.