—Hello… Tom—It’s not Tom. It’s Ellen…—Ellen? Who are you?…—Ma’am, who are you? I’m Victor’s girlfriend. Did you need something?…He’s not home, he’s held up at work… My head was spinning, I saw red drops on the floor. My stomach ached fiercely, I was convulsing… I felt the baby about to be born.

My husband William has been away on work for five straight years. First he was hauling freight across the Netherlands, then he spent months fixing roofs in France. He went abroad for the money. We have two boysJames and Thomasand we wanted to give them the best future we could. Deep down we both knew wed never get far in England without a steady income.

And, as luck would have it, the job paid. Once a month he shipped us parcels of canned beans, rice, oil, sweets and the like. He also transferred a tidy sum onto my savings account, so the interest could grow. Over time we scraped together enough to buy an apartment for the older boy.

It seemed we were finally on stable ground. Then, a few months ago, I sensed something was wrong inside me. At first I blamed the menopause, but the symptoms didnt fit: I was gaining weight, sleeping all the time, eating constantly, and my mood swung wildly. All the clues on the internet pointed to pregnancy. Pregnant at fortyfive? I scoffed, until the test showed two clear red lines.

I kept the news from my sons and their wives. Why tell them? Would they laugh at an older mother? Would they whisper that Id lost my mind? I wrapped myself in thick woolens, layered under a padded coat, so no one could see the swelling belly beneath.

I didnt want a baby. At fortyfive I wasnt a young woman any more. I had grandchildren already, and I wanted time with them, not sleepless nights with diapers. We didnt have the cash for a third child, and William would have to return abroad againsomething I could not manage on my own.

The doctors warned me that the pregnancy was already advanced and that any operation would be risky, perhaps even dangerous for me. I tried to convince myself that things would turn out okay. Maybe William would be delighted by a new addition? I decided to call him on Skype, just my voice, no camera.

Hello, Will?

Its not Will. Its Eleanor.

Eleanor? Who are you?

Who are you? Im Williams wife. Hes not home; hes still at work.

The call cut off and tears fell hard. It seemed life was telling me a cruel jokemy husband could betray me at any moment. I thought of filing for divorce, of tossing Williams things out, of never seeing or hearing him again.

But a sliver of hope lingered: perhaps the news would bring him back. I knew he was due to return in February for the boys birthdays; theyd even given him leave. In my mind I saw us three strolling through a park, William holding our daughters tiny hand while I clasped his other.

Valentines Day arrived, the fourteenth of February. William came home. I set a romantic dinnercandles flickering, soft music playinghoping to create a calm atmosphere.

Will, I have a surprise for you, I said, trying to steady my voice. Im pregnant. They say itll be a girl.

A bloody witch! he roared, his face turning scarlet with fury. He hurled plates to the floor, pounding the table with his fists.

While Im out there earning a living, youre running off with other men? And now you want to hang this bastard child on my neck?

Will, Ill explain

Get out of my sight! He shoved me hard enough that I slammed my stomach against the sharp edge of the table and fell back, gasping.

He stormed out, grabbed his bag, slammed the door, and I felt a rush of dizziness. Red drops stained the floor, and a fierce pain clenched my abdomen. I fumbled for my phone and dialed emergency services, feeling the baby on the brink of birth.

Paramedics arrived while I cradled my newborn in my arms. The little girl lay peacefully, not crying, sleeping soundly.

Do you want to take her with us, maam? a nurse asked.

No, I snapped. Take the baby away. I dont want her.

What do you mean? the doctor pressed.

This child has ruined my family. Maybe someone else will love her, but not me. Take her, I say! I dont want to see her again!

Without a flicker of remorse I handed the infant to the medical team. They examined me, found no tears, and the delivery was uneventful. When the ambulance pulled away, I cleared the house, took a quick shower and went to bed.

None of the boys know that I gave their sister away. Every day I walk to church and pray that the little girl grows healthy and finds a loving family. I understand I cannot handle motherhood again. All I want is for William to come home, but hes already back on a flight to the continent, speaking only to the boys on the phone.

Call me mad if you like, but I chose my husband over a child. God will be my judge.