On the Second Day After Their Wedding, Alisa Fell Seriously Ill. An Ambulance Was Called, and She Was Examined. Robert Was Left in Shock for a Long Time After Speaking with the Doctor.

Robert first heard about his wife Alice’s unfaithfulness straight from the horses mouthAlice herself, tearfully confessing and begging for his forgiveness as though she was auditioning for a role in a soap opera. Robert simply couldn’t fathom how Alice had managed this particular feat, although, in hindsight, spontaneous decisions seemed to be her forte. Only a day after their wedding, Alice declared shed taken out a loan and now both of them were, rather unexpectedly, in hock together.

Not long after that financial shock, Robert noticed Alice had fallen ill all of a sudden, and before he knew it, the paramedics were in the living room chatting about football. It turned out Alice had suffered a miscarriage, with all sorts of complications to follow, and, as if hed missed the newsletter, Robert hadnt even known his wife was pregnant.

“We’ve both got proper jobs now, were rolling in pounds, and I don’t want to mess up our financial reputation with a baby,” Alice had insisted. “And now, this business with betrayal…” In an effort to re-balance their moral ledgers, Alice came up with a scheme worthy of a daytime talk show: Robert, she decided, ought to have a fling as well, so theyd be even. Ever the organiser, Alice even lined up a tall, attractive blonde matethink classic English rose typeto level the playing field.

But Robert just couldnt bring himself to go through with it. The whole thing seemed daft, and when the blonde teasingly asked, Arent you man enough, then? Robert just muttered, No, Im just an ordinary fellow, and I cant cheat on my wife on purpose.

He returned home in a mood black as a London taxi on a rainy Tuesday, pointedly avoiding Alice and eventually packing a suitcase to move in with a friend for a bit. Some weeks later, Alice rang him up and declared, Im pregnant, so youll have to come back to your family whether you like it or not.

But Robert was donewith Alice, the prospect of a baby, and the circus that was his so-called family life. Later, while picking up a meal deal at Tesco, he bumped into the same leggy blonde. What are you doing here? I thought Alices master plan to get knocked up had worked, she quipped.

Thats when Robert started to smell a rat. He demanded to see an ultrasound or at minimum a doctors note, but Alice blustered, Why wont you just take my word for it? Robert replied, After what youve done, will you blame me?

With nothing to show for her latest tall tale, Alices house of cards collapsed. Robert, tapping into a reserve of English resolve, filed for divorce and closed the chapter on the most dramatic year of his lifeperhaps to the relief of everyone except the scriptwriters of real life.