How Basil Found a Woman Who Didn’t Cost a Penny. But He Wasn’t Happy About It.

**How William Found a Woman Who Cost Him Nothing. But He Didnt Like It.**

*Look, Ive tried dating apps so many times, but its exhausting, William said. Women expect messages, effort, endless typinglistening to their boring little problems. If I could skip all that, Id be thrilled. Is there a way for a woman to just pick me? No small talk, no memorising lads mag jokes, no pretending to be clever?*

*Easily done, shrugged the creature made of sour grey smoke. You summoned me, after all. Anythings possible.*

*Brilliant. Ohand absolutely no spending. Not a penny. No coffee dates, no fancy dinners with no guarantee of a return. No dressing up, sucking in my gut, pretending to be impressive. Straight to her place. Can you manage that?*

The smoky figure conjured a notepad and pen, scribbling dutifully like a waiter taking an order. *Consider it done. Anything else?*

*Rightno materialism. No iPhones, diamonds, designer handbags. None of that. Just pure, selfless love. Like those foreign women who dont ask for a thing. Over here, blokes get mocked if they dont pay their way, but abroad? No one bats an eyelid if a man stays home. I want that.*

*Sorted, the creature said. Though, William, youre thinking small. Youve got a demon at your service, not a dating agency. Women like that exist without magicwhats your real wish?*

*Fineshes got to be domestic. Cooks, cleans, never nags. Always sweet, always happy to see me. Andthis is crucialno kids. Everyone knows women want babies. Not me.*

*Modest, the smoke-being sighed. At least pick her looks. Women like that do exist, but theyre usually older, plain. I suppose youd prefer a young university girl?*

*Exactly! William nearly leapt with joy. Tall, beautiful, flawless skinbut kind, gentle, big-hearted. Modern girls are so shallow, you know*

*Oh, I know, the creature said. For a second, William thought it grinnedthough smoke doesnt grin. No matter. Soon, shed find him. Take him home. And*

William squeezed his eyes shut in blissthen jolted awake in the snow, beside a bin. A sausage wrapper and fish bones lay nearby. His side ached horribly. Everything felt too large, too strange. Only the sound of girlish laughter, light as bells, still enchanted him.

*Emily, look at this adorable stray! Poor thinghe mustve been attacked! Im taking him home. Ill pamper him, feed him, love him!*

*Too soft-hearted, Sophie, scoffed another voice, sharper. What if he yowls all night? Or knocks up some tabby?*

*He wont. Ill get him neutered. Come here, sweetie*

Delicate hands scooped him up. William tried to shoutbut only a pitiful meow escaped.

**Lesson: Be careful what you wish forespecially when you want everything for nothing.**