How Basil Found a Woman Who Didn’t Cost Him a Penny. But He Wasn’t Happy About It.

**Diary Entry 10th March**

Ive had enough of dating appswasting hours trying to impress women, typing out empty small talk, pretending to care about their tedious problems. If only there were a way to skip all that, Id be grateful. No effort, no forced jokes from *Mens Health*, no pretending to be clever.

“Possible,” said the figure, a shifting mass of grey smoke. “You summoned me, after all. Might as well get your moneys worth.”

“Good. And I dont want to spend a penny on hernot a single quid. No coffee dates, no buying her cakes, no dressing up or sucking in my gut. She should just take me straight home.”

The smoke-creature scribbled in a phantom notepad, nodding like an obliging waiter. “Anything else?”

“Of course, no demandsno iPhones, no jewellery, no nonsense. Pure, selfless love, like those European women. Abroad, men lounge about while their wives work, and no one bats an eye. Here, theyd call you a kept man before you could blink. I wont have it.”

“Consider it done,” it shrugged. “But youre holding back, Nigel. You could ask for morewomen like that exist without magic.”

“Fine. Shed better be domesticcooking, cleaning, fussing over me without expecting a thing in return. No nagging, just affection. And absolutely no children. Everyone knows women want themI dont.”

The smoke-creature sighed. “Bold choices. What about looks? You could settle for plain and middle-aged, but I suppose youd prefer a university girl?”

“Yes, exactly!” Nigel nearly jumped. Tall, beautiful, flawless skin, soft-heartednot like these modern girls, all sharp edges and entitlement.

The creatures grin flickeredif smoke could grin. Nigel barely noticed. Soon, shed find him, take him home, and

He woke in the snow behind a skip, ribs throbbing. A sausage wrapper and fish bones lay beside him. The world loomed too large, too strange. Then, laughterlight, girlish.

“Look, Emily! Poor little thingmustve been attacked! Ill take him home, nurse him back to health!”

“Youre too soft,” scoffed another voice. “What if he yowls all night? Starts chasing after strays?”

“He wont.” Delicate hands scooped him up. Nigel tried to shoutonly a pitiful mewl escaped.

**Lesson:** Be careful what you wish for. Theres no such thing as love without effortonly the illusion of it, and thats far worse.