You’re Not My Wife: We Never Said ‘I Do’ at the Registry Office, Right?

“You’re not my wifewe never signed the papers, did we?”

“What kind of wife am I? Did we ever go to the registry office? Get a stamp in our passports? Slip a ring on my finger?”

Emily dropped her gaze. Shed dreamed of all that, but the years slipped by, and life carried on without formalities.

“No! No! And no!” barked James. “Youre nothing to me! What made you think you could call yourself my wife?”

“Jimmy, please, talk to me!” she pleaded, brushing his arm.

“Got anything useful to add?” He jerked away. “Youve already put your foot in it!”

“I didnt even say anything” Emily mumbled.

“Mark my wordssilence is golden! Especially for you!” He turned pointedly to the window.

“Stop sulking, love!” She inched closer.

“Shouldve kept your mouth shut!” James threw his hands up. “How do you women manage to wreck everything with one sentence? Do they teach you how to send blokes to an early grave in school?”

Emily figured he was still sore about their morning row. James had smashed two mugshis and hers.

“How could you?” shed fumed. “Normal people have hands, but yours are like rakes! Smashed yoursfine, but why touch mine? Making sure Ive got no favourite cups left?”

Just a silly domestic spat. The sort of thing you shrug off. But James had stomped off to work in a huff and spent the evening in frosty silence. Ignored her, skipped dinnereven though shed called him three times. Time to smooth things over.

“Oh, come on, well buy new mugs at John Lewis on Saturday! And your handswell, practice makes perfect!”

“What mugs?!” Jamess eyes flashed. “Do you even realise what youve done with your big mouth?”

“I can say sorry” Emily faltered. “Dont be cross!”

“Sorry?” He let out a hollow laugh. “If an Im sorry could scrub out your words, Id be over the moon! But no, youve just finished me off!”

“Good Lord, what on earth did I even say?” It finally dawned on herthis wasnt about crockery.

“Who told my boss today that she was speaking to Jamess wife?!” he seethed.

“You were in the shower, the phone rang” she babbled. “I answered, said to hold on. She asked who I was. So, I said I was your wife. When I passed the phone, shed hung up. Whats the crime?”

“Youre seriously asking?!” James went puce, a vein throbbing at his temple. “What wife? Did we sign anything? Get a stamp? Exchange rings?”

Emily swallowed. Shed dreamed of it, but

“No! No! And no!” he yelled. “Youre nobody! What gave you the right to call yourself my wife?”

***
“How longs this circus going on?” Margaret chuckled.

“Mum” Emily scowled. “Times have changed. Youre one to talkafter Dad, you played the field!”

“Dont slander your mother!” She kept smiling. “At my age, gossip slides right off. But youre youngthink ahead!”

“Mum, fifty-five isnt ancient! You might still land a husband!”

“If a decent bloke turns upwhy not?” She smoothed a silver strand. “Till then, Ill stick to substitutes.”

“Oh, youre unbelievable!” Emily snorted.

Then her mother turned serious.

“Em, I get itplenty live together, have kids now. But legally, its cohabitation. No guarantees!”

“If theres love, who needs guarantees?”

“Love fadesemptiness stays. A proper husband means alimony, a share of assets. Without that, even court wont help!”

“James and I are fine! Six years together. Why the paperwork? We earn the same.”

“Not good enough!” Margaret wagged a finger. “Drop hints! Call him hubby, joke about wifely duties. Ease him in. Thenwalk down the aisle!”

“What if I scare him off?” Emily shook her head. “Happiness is fragiledont push your luck.”

“Your life,” Margaret sighed. “But rememberresponsibilitys a sign of maturity. You two? Pure chaos.”

***
Her mothers advice stuck. Marriage was a safety net. Even her mate Hannah agreed:

“Imagine you get a mortgage. Its in Jims name. What if you split?”

“Pessimist!”

“Say he decides to gift the flat to his nephew. You wont get a word in! Court without a certificate? Waste of time.”

“Ill save receipts, find witnesses!”

“Or” Hannah grinned, “just sign the papers.”

“Mum says to tease him with hubby. Ease him into it.”

“Well, get on with it!”

***
Emily started calling James “husband” at every chance. At first, he chuckled, but soon it stuck. She almost believed the game herselfuntil she answered his boss with that fatal: “This is his wife.”

***
“Weve been together six years!” Emilys voice quivered. “I thought we were family. Kids, growing old together”

“You shouldve kept quiet!” He paced furiously. “Why butt in with Sarah? Now Im getting sacked!”

“But I always call you my husband!”

“The difference is, youve wrecked my career!” James slammed his keys down. “Registry office? I wont even live with you! Packing my stuff!”

“Youre serious?” She froze. “So I called myself your wife”

“Sarah kept me on because of personal interest! Now Im marriedyoure a thorn in her side!”

***
A week later, Sarah herself rang the bell.

“Sorry to disturb,” she said, “but I wanted to explain. Not about the sackingabout years of deceit. We all thought he was single”

“Were not registered,” Emily whispered.

“Cohabiting,” Sarah corrected. “But now youre free. And you know” Her lips twitched. “Hes not worth it. Not a husband, not a partnerjust a prat with a J.”

Emily nodded. Nothing left to say.